The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
