what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
