dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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