Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
