I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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