hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
