she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
why is half of my head shaved?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
