Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
