I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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