Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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