I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
