if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
