As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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