Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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