After last night, I could never be a politician.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
