I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
