Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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