We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
