Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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