There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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