Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
