I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
