I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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