I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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