Michael Bay diarrhea
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
