gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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