Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
