she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Michael Bay diarrhea
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
