Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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