I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
