I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
