My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
