PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
