I accidentally had phone sex last night
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
