My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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