we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
