i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
