We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
