we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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