Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
