Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
