Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
