If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
