I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
