Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
