An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
