I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
