I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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