Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
