Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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