Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
