I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
