My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
