I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
