Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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