after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I love having hate sex.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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